Heart of a Soldier
by TheNobodyofaSOLDIER
Summary: [Levi x Insomniac!Reader] - Sometimes, your greatest support comes when you least expect it.


In times of war, a soldier possess no time to grieve over his fallen comrades. In the heat of battle, a warrior cannot afford to stop and grieve over the lost and departed. It is not until the quiet of sleep or the peace earned from a long struggle do the memories weigh his tired mind and wrestle with his bruised emotions.

2:30 AM, and [Name] engaged in such a battle. She counted the grooves in the stone ceiling. She listened to the sorrowful moan of the autumn wind rustling the bare trees. The tired rays of the pale moon glowed behind dark, billowing clouds. She figured a storm was brewing. She perceived the calm breaths of the slumbering soldiers in the darkness. Despite the serene setting, every time she closed her heavy eyelids, her mind reeled through memories of her childhood, those grueling days of living in poverty, rejected by society. She remembered her first encounter with the Titans, those first few weeks of agonizing training in which her body nearly broke from the strain. Memories of the soldiers she watched die, those poor lives she could not save, flashed through the surface of her mind as clear as day.

With a quiet groan, she jolted from her pillow and rubbed her eyes.

"Why now?" she whispered, then looking to see if anyone stirred. She breathed deeply. Slowly, she lowered herself back on the pillow. Again, she closed her eyes.

"[Name]!" a familiar voice cried, faint and echoing in the back of her mind. "We need to go gather food before the sun rises!"

"What? Now?"

Two eyes peered down at her. A hand reached for her. "Yes, we can't let anyone see."

The hand was callused and rough but so warm and gentle. The tall silhouette lead her from the wooden shelter carefully hidden in the little niche. She stepped over a few sleeping bodies before entering the quiet streets of the city. The images faded into a blur of oranges and gold from the morning sun. The figures crept through the sleeping city, picking up every scrap of food they could find. They sneaked through the markets and stores, swiping what little was left behind. The strong hand encircled hers every step of the way.

With a quick breath and a flutter of her eye, she stirred a bit. In quick flashes, she heard angry shouts, perceived obscure figures throwing assorted objects, scaring away the battered orphans. She felt blunt forces meeting with her shoulders while she encircled the young ones of her group.

"Get away from here, you rats!"

"Thieves!"

"Leave, you filth!"  
>"Hurry, [Name]! Run!"<p>

She squeezed her tired eyes together, rolling on her side.

"[Name]? [Name], are you okay?"

She looked up to see those soft eyes, carefully scrutinizing her. Her back and shoulders ached and stung.

"I'm fine," she mumbled, rubbing her neck. "Just a little sore. You okay?"

It was him...

He smiled and sat next to her. "Yeah, I'm okay," gently, he stroked the inflicted areas. "Good job. That supply should keep us going for nearly a week."

She sighed and leaned back, savoring each touch. His hair shadowed his forehead and strong brows. Every muscle relaxed. His assuring smile remained.

"Thank so much, [Name]," he whispered. "Your help means so much to us."

His defined outline faded into nothing more than an impression of light and shadow.

"Thank you, [Name]..." his voice faded away.

With another groan, she twitched and turned. Her face twisted into a grimace.

Warms lips trailed across her face. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he held her face taking her mouth into his, moving it slightly against hers.

"I-" her breath caught as he skimmed down her neck. He tugged down at the sleeves of her blouse, exploring the new, exposed skin with his lips and tongue.

"Ah-!" she muffled into his shoulder, barely able to speak from the dizziness of her heated body. Everything prickled and burned. "I had no idea," her voice trailed off into quiet moans.

He softly circled the small of her back with the palm of his hand. He pulled away, gazing into her eyes.

"I'm sorry I never told you before, [Name]," his eyes were pools of amber in the dim light. A small rim of light formed a golden halo around his head.

Perfect. Like an angel.

"[Name], I've lo-"

"Come on! Hurry! They've found us! We gotta move now!" A frantic shout jolted them from their intoxicated state.

Her mind fogged again, only making out the profiles of the small gang escaping another city. Everything else was nothing more than a monochrome haze.

But the strong hand still clutched hers tightly.

A light flush tinting her face, she rolled on her back, arm sliding over her eyes. Each recollection now were fast paced, hindering her from focussing in on anything: her orphaned friends, the townspeople that threw them out every time, soldiers that beat them, all a strange mixture of pain and pleasure, good times and bad.

Then, she saw it, humanity's greatest enemy. Lost in a giant forest, where the trees loomed over them like a magnificent fortress, there they stood, blood dripping from their plastered grins, feasting on another life.

As often as they heard of the Titans, the orphans had never witnessed their kind up so close. Lacking any experience, their weak hearts sunk, and their mind shut down. All at once, they flew into a frenzied panic, fleeing as fast as they possibly could from their grounds.

[Name]'s heart pounded in her ears. The sticks and thorns jabbing the bottom of her bare feet were nothing compared to her fear, and it only fueled her to run as fast as she possibly could. Everyone dashed in front of her, shrieking as they went.

Suddenly, her ankle caught against a jagged vine. While it happened so fast, time seemed to stop. One second, she ran. The next, her face was implanted into the ground, her foot numb. A Titan of about ten meters loomed close behind them. With all her might, she pulled and struggled to free her injured leg.

"Hold on!" she screamed until her throat was dry. "Guys! Wait! Wait! I'm stuck!"

Her love pivoted to see her caught in a web of vines. His eyes widened in shock.

"[Name]! I'm coming! Hold on-!"

Just as he turned to save her, he immediately halted when he caught sight of the Titan. Its seemed to stare down at him with a forever amused and ghastly smile as if greeting its next meal. Everything inside the boy seemed to drop to his feet. All of his insides grew stiff and cold. His face paled.

The Titan only grinned.

As [Name] strived with all her might to pull away, she gasped when she caught him turning to run after the scattered members of their group.

"No, wait!" she called desperately, tears streaming from her eyes. "Come back!"

The ground shook beneath her. When she glanced over her shoulder, the Titan already began reaching for his next treat. In a fit of rage and panic, she took the spiked vines and dug them as hard as she could into the giant hand reaching for her. Although it didn't jolt back as far as she wanted, it gave her enough time to break free.

She groaned lightly, gritting her teeth and her brow moistening with sweat.

She dare not look back. She only ran.

Flashes of bright green flew by her. Streaks of light seemed to strike from heaven itself, but she could only run. Harsh commands and bellows from the Titans shook the forest, yet she dare not stop.

A bead rolled down her forehead. Her consciousness floated in a fevered state between sleep and awareness. She recalled the face of Commander Erwin Smith reaching for her as she hid, the sleek figure of Corporal Lance Levi effortlessly bringing down the foe that sent her friends fleeing, the faces of her trainees, and the long and painful nights spent in the training grounds: practically torturing herself, falling to her knees, silently sobbing and beating herself, counting down what comrades she had left as they died.

The images flew by so quickly that she could no longer focus:

"I'm Commander Erwin Smith of the Scouting Legion. You're safe now."

"Where are my friends? I need to find them!"

"I-I'm sorry, miss. You're the only one we found."

"I want to join the Scouting Legion."

"In the state you are now, you are no more than Titan food!"

"I won't sleep 'til I get this right!"

"That's Humanity's Strongest."

"Fuck you! I'll kill you for leaving me behind!"

"I can't trust anyone anymore."

"If you're scared of seeing others die, then why bother becoming a soldier?"

"You can't give up now."

"Get up, you coward."

Finally, [Name] jerked from her pillow, light eyes wide, lips parted as she panted. Her blood rushed in her ears. With a loud gulp, she buried her forehead in her palm in an attempt to compose herself.

"Why?" she said to herself. "Why now, you stupid brain?" she slapped the side of her head.

She glanced around. Nothing changed; the same still and quiet darkness from before. Only this time, the light of the moon was completely engulfed. She yanked her hair tie away, letting her dark tresses rest over her shoulders. Then, she pulled off her jacket. Her muscles finally relaxed, she rose from her bed and left the chamber.

The halls were still dimly lit by torches lining the walls. She occasionally watched her slanted shadow quiver and bend against the stones. She half chuckled to herself; her body used to be so round, soft and delicate, something beautiful, something a man could burn for and hold. But now, it was replaced with a sharp muscularity and harsh angles, a body that scarred and bruised from countless battles, a body used to roughness and discomfort, like the constant rubbing of the leather straps, jerking of the 3D Gear, scraps from trees, leaving their permanent impressions into her skin. Though not very desirable, it served as a symbol of her journey. It was something she could show a little pride in despite its lack in feminine charm.

[Name] turned a few corners before she found herself in the main atrium where everyone gathered to eat or share past experiences. That wooden table was the witness of many hilarious incidents and precious memories with her Squad. In a small bowl at the center, some bread left over from dinner still lingered. A pitcher still filled lay next to it. Her stomach suddenly growled.

"Oh, right," she said. "I forgot dinner. Well then, how convenient."

After sitting herself down, saying a silent prayer, she munched away at the scraps from before. Her brows furrowed in thought. It seemed so long since she even thought about Jade and the gang. After the way they panicked and abandoned her that day, she harbored a bitterness so painful, she simply locked it away-like most of her bereavement.

Why did her mind spill them out now? There was still so much to be done. Showing any sign of weakness now would only be a burden, especially now with Eren Jaeger to watch over, a walking, breathing mystery.

She took a moment to swallow then inhale deeply. Just like she learned to face Humanity's worst enemy, she needed to learn to face the war within her mind sooner or later. Now was just as good a time as any:

That boy who graciously lead the young wayfarers she grew up with many a time, a tall, seemingly angelic being, watching over the orphans as they gathered food. He always appeared perfect in her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to serve and help him in anyway possible. He was one of the few boys in her life that was close to her age and (even better) taller than her. She shook her head and sighed, thinking about the night she would have confessed her love for him only to be a tangled in interrupted passions. Was he about to admit his love for her too? Only God knows now. Oh, what a coward that boy turned out to be, to flee and hide from a Titan, one measly Titan, one she could have easily brought down, adding to her killing streak.

If she had known then, she would not have wasted so much emotionally energy loving such a weak-hearted lad.

Closing her eyes, she focused on images of the beautiful boy, her feelings of devotion and love for him, his betrayal in the forest, leaving her for dead. She breathed again, as if acknowledging the existence of those memories rather than pushing them away.

Though her heart ached and twisted, a sense of calm swept over her, a sense of satisfaction for at least facing this dreaded poison of a history she so wanted to ignore. With a weak smile, she stuffed another piece of bread in her mouth.

"For the hundredth time, [NAME]."

She gasped and jumped in her seat. When she broke from her intense pondering, she noted a dark figure lurking around the corner. When he entered the foyer, the orange light of the torches cast over the pale, stoic face of the Lance Corporal himself. His arms were crossed, head slightly tilted. The shadows cast by his bangs made his feline, colorless eyes all the more intimidating.

Nonetheless, she was used to it.

"Oh, hello, Captain," she replied, returning to her meal.

"You know, when you're off staring off into space like that," he practically slung a chair over, collapsed in it and rested his elbow, making it easier to stare her down. "You're a pain in the ass to talk to."

"It's 'cause I'm busy thinking, sir," she slugged down her drink.

"Thinking, huh? You've always got something to think about. What the honest hell are you doing up this late?" he swiped a slice of the new bread from her hands.

Undaunted, she took another loaf. "What the hell are YOU doing up this late, sir?"

He paused a moment. "I get up whenever I want really. If I can't go back to sleep, I stroll around 'til I feel tired again. Is that so unusual?" Before he took a bite, he froze. "Your hands are clean, right?"

"Yes, they're fine."

With that, he bit off the end.

"No, walking around to feel tired again isn't weird," she replied to his former question. "I do the same. That's why I'm up now. Then, I forgot I didn't eat dinner, so I came here."

"You can't do that, [Name]," he said. He took a minute to chew. "You have to at least eat when your sleep schedule's fucked up. You need some way to keep up your stamina, otherwise, you're own body will suck you dry. I can see your collarbones more than normal," he pointed at her with his snack. "You're looking ghastly. The Titans probably wouldn't bother eating you."

She snickered to herself. Despite his abrasive behavior and insults, everyone knew deep down how much he cared about the welfare of his subordinates. "Yes, sir. I grew up going for days without food. I forget sometimes."

"You can't do that anymore."

"Yes, sir," she glanced down at herself, slipped her thumb under one of the leather straps and pulled. They were loose again. "I suppose I have gotten a little underweight," she adjusted them accordingly.

"What kind of sick childhood did you have, going that long without food?" he took another bite.

"I was orphaned when I was really little," she said, tracing the rim of her glass with the tip of her finger. "A group of other orphans I stayed with lived out on the streets."

"I see."

With another tired sigh, [Name] rested against the back of her hand, almost wrapping herself in a web of thought. A silence overtook the room as both she and Levi took a moment to gather their contemplation.

"What's bothering you, sir?" she asked, quietly, watching the ripples in her glass.

"Do I look bothered?" he retorted as he poured himself a glass.

"Not particularly, but I thought it'd be polite to ask, anyway. With your position, it'd be natural to always be pondering about something."

He stifled a laugh. "True, maybe that's why I haven't had a good night's sleep in ages," he took a sip. "But, it's been that way for so long, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference."

Her heart sunk a little at that statement. "I'm sorry, sir."

"Don't worry about it," he placed his goblet down. "It's not anything to concern yourself over." He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.

She lightly shook her head.

"What about you? Something plaguing your mind? You're acting weirder than usual."

"Oh," she shrugged her shoulders. "My brain was being a bastard to put it lightly. I kept thinking about old memories I thought I locked up."

"Mmhmm," he nodded as if waiting for a follow up.

"You want me to explain?"

"Do we have anything better to do at this god-forsaken hour?" he sipped the red wine.

"If you say so, sir," she slumped on the table, playing with the handle of her glass. "There's not really much to say. I helped take care of a group of orphans when I was younger, down in the underground at first. I always referred to it as a gang, because we were usually resorting to questionable methods to get what we needed to survive: theft, fighting, that sort of thing."

When she looked up, Levi was perfectly still and closing his eyes. She smiled, assuming he had dozed off. Figures. Who'd want to listen to an old sob story? Everyone here had sad tales to tell. She was just another needle in the haystack. It was still nice having a warm body there, easing her loneliness as she talked:

"The leader of our gang was this boy... He oversaw everything and helped take care of us. He was a couple of inches taller than me," she laughed tiredly. "Hard to believe, right? He was alright looking. Of course, I thought he God's gift to, hurrmmm, mankind, I guess," she shook her head. "Ah, brother, I was such an idiot. I really fell hard for the kid though, and I thought he did me. We almost slept together once but it never went anyway," she sighed and slid her fingers through her hair. She normally wouldn't talk so openly, but what did it matter? "We faced a lot of tough times. Townsfolk calling us names, military beating us up, but we always stuck together. It didn't seem so bad, especially when we really came through," she glanced at him again. His breathing was slowed and rhythmic-Yup, definitely sleeping. "Anyway, one day, we were going from one town to another and along the way we encountered some Titans. Though we heard about them, we never saw one. As you can guess, everyone pretty much pissed themselves and bolted," she closed her eyes. "Even my weakass crush. I called out to him, but seeing the Titan was just too much, so there I was, injured and abandoned having to fend for myself," her eyes seemed to glaze over. "I guess that's why I try to save as many people as I can when fighting. I know how it feels to be left for dead, hopeless. No one should have to go through that," she paused a minute, letting the heaviness lift off her heart a little. "Anyway, I was a stupid, naive kid. I learned my lesson. If I didn't get the reality check then, I'd be dead. That's life for ya."

Breathing through her nose, savoring the scent of the wine, the rich fluid trickled down her throat. She leaned back and gazed into the ceiling, arms now limp at her side.

"When the Commander found me that day," she continued, mind coasting along. "I was so traumatized, I never thought I'd ever be joining the Recon Core. I just wanted to hide or kill myself," she shook her head. "I can't remember the last time I felt so humiliated. Well, maybe outside my first day at training," she laughed a little loud than before. "Damn, I was terrible. I amazed the instructor didn't send me to gather food immediately. Ah well," she rubbed her eyes. "God in heaven, those long nights out in the training field; those were the days. I got no mercy, which is how it should've been for someone like me. It was sure satisfying my hard work paid off," she looked at him again-still as a marble statue. "Honestly best thing that ever happened to me. When I think about it now, I appreciate every injury, every lecture, every insult," her head sunk. "It was rough. I won't lie; I wanted to punch a few people," she snickered, resting her head back again. "Boy, when I first met you, I wanted to throttle you. You were such an asshole."

His eyes shot open.

"Oh well," she shrugged her shoulders. "I deserved it. Plus, the more I saw you in action and the way you dealt with the Squad and everything-I mean, I was so wary of you," she paused. "We could not have asked for a better captain," she smiled fondly as memories of the Squad legion replaced those ghastly recollections of her past. As anyone would come to expect, she clashed violently with the Corporal. She even crossed the line by arguing back, earning herself a few kicks or bats upside the hide. But, even then, she knew she was being hard-headed. As the years dragged on, her admiration for him grew. He finally respected her as a proper subordinate, an official Recon soldier, and soon, every bit of tension withered and dried away. She was able to finally work her way to becoming a Squad leader.

[Name] possessed no words to express her joy when the others accepted her as one of their own. To this day, it filled her heart to the brim with nothing but delight and euphoria.

"What the hell-?!" she slipped from her chair almost collapsing on the hard floor, but she steadied herself.

The fierce eyes of Levi coldly stared her down as he hovered over her face. His black hair darkened his keen features. His face remained at its usual forbearing expression but it suddenly looked so frightening.

[Name] blinked, her stomach churning. Heart racing, she was not sure whether to run and hide or assert herself and continue to stare him down. Eyes wide yet blank, she froze.

A weird silence hung in the air.

"Captain," she mumbled. "You were awake?"

She yelped when he grabbed the back of her head and yanked it back.

"Obviously, you still have balls to call me names right in front of me," he seethed. "Are you asking me to beat the shit out of you again like back then? I am more than ready to at any second."

"Captain! Geez," she gripped his wrist. "The only thing you can focus on is the insult?" he pulled. "Aaah! I thought you were asleep!"

With one shove, he sent her and the chair sliding across the floor. A few stars danced in front of her eyes before she rubbed her head.

"Damn it, that was uncalled for," she grumbled.

Her breath hitched when he stepped in front of her. Even though she trounced him in height, his personality compensated for every single inch he lacked. He raised a foot and pressed it into the center of her chest. Out of reflex, she grabbed his ankle.

"Listen, cadet, you scrawny brat," he murmured. "Just because you've come this far and have earned your place here in the Recon, there are still lessons to be learned, and some to jog back into that worthless brain of yours."

"Okay, okay!" she wheezed. "I get it! You're right, Captain! Lay off, will ya? Do a few pointless memories earn someone a ruthless beating?"

Levi pressed even harder, crushing her sternum.

"Shit, Captain!" she attempted to shove him off. How could someone so short hide so much strength and density? "That's just how I felt at the time! I was just stupid and jealous!"

"Hmm, jealous, you say?" the pressure lightened a bit but remained firmly in place.

"You bet your ass I was jealous," she managed to lift it off her chest at last. Finally, she breathed deeply. "Here I was, new to the scene. You hadn't been there that long either. I was terrible at it, and you were over there, completing every single bloody session without even batting an eyelash, bringing down Titans quicker than any soldier in existence! You got appointed Captain so fast, and I was still out in the training field."

He folded his arms.

"Not to mention your personality made it seem all the worse," she coughed and mumbled to herself. He kicked her in the head in response. "Shit! Well, it did!"

"You're not making it any easier on yourself," he stated bluntly.

Massaging the side of her bruised skull, she eased herself up. With a rough sigh, she glared up at him. He gladly returned the favor. She had no idea why she even bothered. She never won any staring contests she randomly initiated with him, and his face never changed.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You didn't even let me finish my thought."

No response.

"I was going to say that you inspired me to dedicate my whole life to the Survey Corps, to become a better soldier, a better person. You and the Squad taught me to take value in purpose far beyond just slaying Titans," she clenched a fist. "We're fighting for humanity as a whole, creating a future full of hope, glory and peace. Joining," she lowered her head for a second. "was the best decision I ever made. No matter what happens, no matter what tragedies we face, the suffering I endure. Even if I can barely walk a few years from now, I will never regret it."

[Name] raised her eyes. Her heart sunk a little when she saw literally no change, not one reaction in the slightest. She hoped that maybe he'd appreciate that much.

Guess I should've known better, she thought. She chuckled a little. "Fine then. Do you want me to apologize?"

"I don't need your washed up apologies."

What the hell is his problem?! "Then-!" she nearly jumped to her feet as if ready to fight.

"I need you to always remember what you just said, right here and now," gripping her shoulder, he pushed her back down on her knees. "Never lose that sense of determination. If I could list a few things you have right, they're an unparalleled work ethic, the best of any soldier I've seen, and resolve that outweighs even your worst of anguishes and flaws," his clutch tightened a little.

She widened her eyes in shock.

"You also withhold a value and understanding for human life due to trial and error" he continued. "One of the only scouts who will turn back for the lost or injured in the midst of chaos without a second thought," he leaned closer to her face. "That's why you deserve the respect from me and the other troops."

It proved difficult not to utterly beam with happiness. Every subordinate wants to hear from their leader not that they're the greatest in the world or the best of the best-only that they have done well. No more, no less. She pressed her lips together into a thin line and swallowed hard. Tears burned the rims of her eyelids.

"C-Captain, I-"

He suddenly bumped the side of her head with his knuckle.

"Ouch!"

"And this is where you're an idiot," he said, finally releasing her. "You don't value your own life well enough to take care of yourself. Selflessness is an admirable trait in normal, everyday life but this isn't normal, everyday life," he crossed his arms and continued stabbing her with his gaze. "You can't go screwing around, playing the hero or neglecting your health."

After brushing herself off, she scratched the back of her head, mumbling,

"I never played anything, Captain."

He bat her head again. "I know that but you still can't always go embarking on little side missions like that. You need to be more adept at assessing situations, knowing when it's really a hopeless cause or not," he sighed and shook his head. "You're normally pretty alright in that department, but if someone's alive and left behind," his voice trailed off.

She lightly bit her lip and looked away.

"However," he raised her face to meet his. "I'm going to tell you something; I understand where you're coming from. I care for my troops, and I can't bear the thought of leaving even so much as one. You don't always have to rely on what I say or you can trust in my advice. Believe in yourself or in me and the survey corps," his arm slid to his side but he remained close. "The unfortunate thing about what we do is that we can never predict the outcome of our decisions. That's just how it is. We may have a general idea of what's the right or wrong choice but that's not always the case."

She nodded.

"So," he stood upright again. "when those times come around again, and you're stuck with two different options, don't worry about the outcomes. Make the decision that you'll least regret."

She stayed silent, allowing Levi's words to process and sink in. She glanced back up at him; he never ceased to amaze or surprise her.

She found herself quite thankful for her wretched insomnia.

Finally, [Name] stood before him in full height. Despite towering over him, his strong, confident stance really defined who was in authority here.

"Thank you so much, Captain," she clenched her fist over her heart and saluted. "I will never forget that."

"You're welcome."

Although tiny, almost none existent, she was positive that she perceived the corners of his slender mouth twitch upwards.

"But, damn it, woman," he suddenly shoved her head down, the moment instantly ruined. "would you fucking eat properly? You'll be a sack of bones by the time our next mission comes around, and you'll be crushed into nothing but dust. Hell, a dog could probably break you in half."

"Geez! Would you stop that?!" she hobbled back in her chair, soothing the new bruise in the making.

"You don't question my form of discipline," he made he way back to his seat. "Besides, I've got too much shit to deal with to start monitoring your eating habits. I'm a captain not some doctor," casually, he sipped his drink.

"Pfft, you're not smart enough to be a doctor," she retorted while placing her arms and chin on the table.

He eyed her darkly. She flinched. He then took a loaf of bread and pressed it as hard as he could right between her eyes.

"Eat this," he ordered. "You'll need as much as you can."

"Alright, alright! I will!" instantly, she sat up and ate. "Tsch, Captain Asshole," she muffled with bread in her mouth.

Just before he took another slug, his eyes seemed to jab needles through her skull.

"You know," he hissed. "the fact that, even after hitting you in the head, you're still ballsy enough to call me names proves that you're more of an dumbass than I thought."

How does he always managed to hear me? she wondered.

Regardless, she smiled at the Captain. Despite her intense focus on the past, his words pushed her to look in the only important direction: forward. What was once the passion of a quivering maiden was the heart of the soldier, scarred and bruised but growing in strength with each passing day.


End file.
